Always
by JareauLovato
Summary: JJ had always been good at putting on a front. Until Emily came along and changed everything. Their friendship develops into something stronger and something unexpected. Strong Jemily shipping. Sorry no Will or Henry in this one. Rated M for possible later chapters. ALSO TRIGGER WARNING!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

This was the third case in a row where the victims were exactly like me. Blonde haired, blue eyed females in their late twenties, sexually assaulted, tortured and then stabbed to death. I was normally fine dealing with these cases but there had been so many lately and it was starting to get to me. I was good at putting on a front though, at pretending everything was fine. After all, I'd been doing it my entire life…

"_Jennifer!" his voice boomed from downstairs. I could try to ignore it but it would only be worse for me in the long run, so I went downstairs._

"_Yes dad?" I asked, hiding any emotion in my voice and possibly sounding a little rude. Damn I shouldn't have let my voice sound like that, it would only piss him off._

"_How dare you talk to me like that!" he spat in my face, his breathe a mixture of beer, vodka and cigarettes. "You're a useless piece of shit Jennifer, just like your mother, you two would be nothing without me, wouldn't survive without the money I bring home to keep you two pathetic fuckers alive."_

_Tears stung at my eyes, no matter how many times he verbally abused me, the words still cut like knives. People never took it seriously when I told them what was happening, purely for the fact that he never actually touched me. They didn't think it counted as abuse, so I stopped telling me, starting bottling it up and keeping it to myself, which led to other problems in my life that I never told anybody about. Ten years later and it was all still fresh in my mind…_

"JJ" oh shit, I completely spaced out and missed whatever had been asked of me. By now the entire team was shooting questioning glances at me.

"Uh sorry, kinda tired, I was up late last night doing paperwork, what were you saying?" I shot them a hopefully convincing smile, which they all seemed to believe. All that is, except for Emily who was still glancing at me with some worried/suspicious look. I raised my eyebrow at her and grinned, which I hoped would at least persuade her that I was telling the truth. She gave me some sort of half hearted smile which I knew really meant 'don't think you're getting away with this that easily'. I groaned to myself, there was no way I would be able to get away from talking to her, we always shared a room together when we were working away on cases because not only were we best friends, we were the only two women on the team (excluding Garcia, who rarely came out in the field with us) and Hotch wasn't one for letting us guys and girls mix when it came to sharing rooms. So it usually ended up us me and Emily, Derek and Spence, and Aaron and Dave. Ugh well, I'd forgot about it for now and hope that Emily would do the same.

_**Ok sorry it's so short but I just wanted to see exactly where I was going with this and if I could manage it since this is my first FanFic So yeah I have a rough idea of the storyline so I'll just keep going and see where it leads me! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, good or bad, so I can see what needs changing or whatever with this! Thanks **_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thanks for the favourites, follows and reviews guys, they mean a lot! Hope you enjoy the next chapter. Just so you know there is a ~trigger warning~ for this chapter.**_

**Chapter 2**

We finally got back to the hotel at half past midnight after first getting there at 9am and I was absolutely shattered. We all said goodnight to each other and headed off to our separate hotel rooms. I was dead on my feet and all I wanted to do was slip on my pyjama shorts and a baggy shirt and sleep for a thousand years. I knew this was never going to happen though because we had agreed to meet downstairs for breakfast at 6.45am the next morning.

"Ugh" I groaned, as I slipped the key card into the doors and stumbled into the room.

"What's up?" Emily laughed as I chucked my bag onto the bed.

"Oh nothing, just thinking about how we have to be downstairs in about 6 hours and all I want to do right now is sleep forever!"

"Well I don't know about forever but if you're ready within the next 2 minutes, you'll get a good 4 hours and 15 mintes." She winked at me, so I tossed a cushion from the bed at her.

"Prentiss, do not remind me of the little sleep time we have left!" I threatened at I stripped off my work trousers and jacket, standing in front of Emily in just a slightly crumpled shirt and my pants. I sighed and sat down on the bed, rifling throught my bag to find my night clothes. Shit, I thought, I'd forgotten my night shorts. At least I had a baggy shirt to sleep in. I stood back up, turned around and stripped down to nothing but my underpants before slipping into my comfiest sleep shirt.

"So," asked Em, "You gunna tell me what was bothering you earlier on the jet, or are you gunna lie and pretend like you're fine, the way you always do?"

Shit, I really thought I had put on a better front than this, I'd been perfecting it my whole life.

"Have I ever mentioned I hate being best friends with a freaking profiler?" I grumbled.

"Yes several times but that doesn't answer my question Agent Jareau."

I was sorting through my bag again by now, trying to find my wash bag and also avoiding eye contact with Emily. Finally I found it and I walked to the bathroom.

"Ugh I'll talk to you in a minute, let me just get ready for bed ok? Then we can talk before we sleep?"

I was still starting at the ground, hoping she would take that because I really need to go and pull myself together before speaking to her.

"Ok Jayje, take your time, we can talk later."

I glanced at her quickly and could see she was looking at me rather worriedly.

"Thanks Em, please don't worry about me, I promise I'm ok." With that I turned around and walked into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I looked at myself in the mirror, thankful to finally be alone, even briefly. I let the tears fall now as I reached into my wash bag and took out the small leather case inside which contained my deepest, darkest secrets, the one thing that nobody in the world knew about me. Nobody alive anyway. I undone the clasp and pulled out one of the small sharp blades inside. Pulling off my shirt I ran my hand over the already raised and bumpy skin. I brought my hand holding the blade to my stomach and ran it along my right hip again and again. After a minute or two of being completely entranced but the stinging motion I put the blade back in the case, put that back into my wash back and inspected the damage. Fuck. Worse than I thought. I shouldn't have got so hypnotized by this. There were about 20 inch long cuts covering my hip, most shallow but one or two had gone deeper than I intended. Luckily I prepared for this, I cleaned the cuts, closed them with butterfly stiches and then covered my hip with gauze and tape. Then I washed my hands of any blood, put my shirt back on, brushed my teeth and walked back into the room where I found Emily perched end of the bed, playing some game on her phone.

"All yours" I smile at her happily.

"That must have been some trip to the bathroom!"

What do you mean?" I asked more than a little confused.

"Well you walked in there looking like you were going to have some sort of breakdown and now you look the happiest I've seen you in days."

"Ahh I'm just thinking of how much I want sleep and how comfy this bed looks, go and use the bathroom so we can sleep!" I urged her, hitting her with a pillow.

"Ok ok, I'm going!"

I put my stuff away and got out my outfit for the next day, hoping it would uncrease a bit in the next few hours because I could not go on the news in clothes looking like that. Then I scrambled into bed, careful not to pull at the dressing on my hip and covered myself with the quilt, turning the main light on and just leaving the bedside lamps on for when Emily was done in the bathroom.

She came out some 5 minutes later and I was somewhere between wake and sleep. I felt her clamber into bed and shuffle around getting comfy.

"JJ you still awake?" she whispered.

"Ugfhh?" I groaned at her.

"I'll take that as a 'barely?" she laughed.

I reached up to turn my lamp off, gasping and taking a sharp intake of breath. I'd forgotten about my hip due to the fact that I was half asleep, and shit there was no way Emily hadn't heard that.

"Jayje!?" she half whispered, half gasped, "what's wrong? Are you ok?" she questioned, sounding highly concerned.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine, I just pulled my own hair by leaning on it extremely hard with my own elbow because I'm an idiot" I laughed in a hopefully convinging manner.

"Jesus JJ you scared me to death, I thought something was seriously wrong!" she sighed.

"Sorry Em, I didn't mean to worry you. Get some sleep, we have to be up in a matter of hours."

"Ugh don't remind me! Night Jayje."

"Night."

_**Ok so let me know what you thought of this chapter! I know it seems a bit slow at the minute but I'm just trying to ease into it, it will get more exciting I promise! Just stick with me guys Again any feedback, positive or negative, would be greatly appreciated!**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Authors Note: thanks for the follows/favourites and reviews! They make me excited and eager to continue the story so yeah love you guys and hope you enjoy the next chapter.**_

_**~trigger warning~**_

**Chapter 3**

Considering how tired I was, this was the worst nights sleep I'd had in a very long time. I hated sleeping on my back, I didn't want to sleep facing Emily because I felt guilty and I couldn't sleep the other way because my hip was burning and stinging after my stupid actions earlier. It felt like I'd been tossing and turning for hours but when I checked my phone it had barely been 45 minutes. Eventually I managed to drop off and what felt like a mere half an hour layer I felt someone shaking me awake.

"Emily what the hell are you doing! It's the middle of the bloody night!" I groaned at her.

"Jayje we've overslept, we're supposed to be downstairs in 10 minutes!"

"Oh fuck you have got to be kidding me!"

I flew out of bed at a hundred miles per hour, wincing in pain as I was reminded of last nights events. Luckily Emily didn't notice because she was facing the other way, hurrying to get ready. She ran into the bathroom so I went to get the clothes I had hung up over night. I was only dressed in my underwear when I realised the dressing was hanging off my hip. With no time to fix it up again I yanked it off and inspected the damage. Christ it looked awful, jagged, raw looking red lines scattered all over my hip and slightly up my waist. "Oh my god JJ, what the hell have you done?" I angrily questioned myself. I felt my eyes stinging with tears, not because I was upset but because I was so angry with myself that I had gotten this bad again. I was so busy running my fingers over the burning skin and cursing myself that I didn't hear Emily leaving the bathroom and quietly coming up behind me.

"Oh Jayje," she whispered quietly, "What in the world have you done?"

I couldn't bear to meet her eyes, so I continued to look to the floor and let me tears follow my gaze. I didn't immediately think about it, but not only was my hip covered in fresh cuts, but my stomach was painted with hundreds of scars, some raised, some flat, some red and some white. Although they were a part of me and I was used to them being there, I was aware of how ugly and scary they would look to any other normal person. I felt her move my hand away from my hip and hold it in hers. She ran her free hand all over my stomach and ended by placing it on my fresh cuts. Her soft hand was a cool relief on the burning skin of the fresh cuts. Then she did something that surprised more than anything else ever has in my life. Instead of yelling at me or looking at me in disgust, she knelt down and began to kiss the scars all over my stomach ending by kissing my freshly sliced hip, still holding my hand the whole time. I couldn't help the sob that was about to escape my lips anymore. She gently pushed me so I was sitting down on the edge of the bed still in my underwear. I grabbed the shirt that was next to me, thankful that I was in fact the one I was after, and slipped my arms through the sleeves. I began trying to button in up but my eyes were still blurry with tears and I was fumbling with every button. Emily took my hand and buttoned up my shirt for me. I felt like a child who could do nothing for herself, yet somehow this, Emily taking care of me or whatever was happening, it didn't feel wrong.

"Thank you." I managed to choke out between hiccupping breaths.

She looked at me her eyes filled with concern and worry and wiped my tears away. She caressed my cheek with her hand and tilted my chin upwards so I was looking straight into her eyes, our faces less than two inches apart. My heart was beating faster than I'd ever felt and before I knew it her soft lips were on mine, giving me a gentle chaste kiss. It only lasted a few seconds before she abruptly pulled away.

"I, I…oh my gosh I'm so sorry JJ, I shouldn't have done that. You're vulnerable right now and I'm so…"

I placed my hands on her face and crushed my lips on hers, with more passion and force than the last time. She sat down next to me without breaking the kiss. After a minute or two she ended the kiss again although with no apologies this time. She tucked my hair behind my ear and put her arm around me. I leaned into her, closing my eyes as I breathed in her scent. She kissed my head and stroked my hair and I cried softly into her shoulder again. I don't even know exactly what for, or at least what in particular. There were a lot of reasons for my tears overall, just no particular reason right now. I curled up impossibly smaller next to her and she held me tightly. We were there for some time before we were interrupted by a sudden knock on the door. We both jumped out of our skins but neither one of us actually moved to answer the door.

"Umm…hello?" Emily called out as a question.

"Yo babygirls, it's Morgan, you two never showed up for breakfast and we're about to leave!"

"Sorry Morgan, we had a bit of a girls emergency," Em called back without any hesitation, leave us a set of keys at reception and we'll be about 15 minutes behind you."

"Alright ladies sounds good to me, so long as you're both ok? JJ?"

"Yeah yeah I'm fine Derek, we won't be long!" I shot back in my best 'I'm as happy as ever' voice.

"Okay see you in a bit."

We both heard Morgan's footsteps getting further away and I looked up to see Emily looking sheepishly at me. I grinned nervously back which made her break out into an impossibly large smile. She walked over and hugged me tightly and I had never felt more safe in my life.

"Ok you realise that tonight there is no getting away from talking, right? It's even more essential that last night, for more than one reason yeah Jayje? I know you're not going to want to talk about all of this but you're going to have to"

She looked down at me with worry filled eyes and I swear I have never felt more guilty. I knew so many personal things about her and yet here she was knowing next to nothing about me, even though we'd been friends for years.

"Ok SSA Prentiss," I winked, to try and lighten the mood, "I promise we'll talk properly tonight."

She smiled at me and chucked my black pants over.

"Good! Now unless you're planning on being the first FBI Media Liaison to show up to work in a shirt and underwear, I suggest you put these on.

I blushed and hurriedly stepped into them. She'd seen me in my underwear a million times before and likewise I had seen her, after all we were best friends and had been sharing hotel rooms ever since she joined the Bureau. But it was just different now we'd kissed, passionately kissed, for several minutes and I had felt things that I didn't know I could feel towards Emily. So I quickly got dressed, as did she and we rushed downstairs to grab the keys to the black SUV from reception and hurried to the police station to continue with and hopefully get close to finishing the current case.

_**Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, told you stuff would start happening soon ;) and if you're homophobic or just seriously against some good ole' Jemily shipping, you should probably stop reading now I have nothing against will, I actually love love love Willifer, but they're already happening, and Jemily clearly are never going to happen (Paget's not even in the show anymore for a start *cries*) so I'm writing this for anyone who also loves JJ/Emily. Again, positive and negative criticism both wanted and welcome! Thanks guys **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thanks for all the great reviews and the follows/favourites! Seriously they mean a lot and really help me keep going with the story! Hope you enjoy the next chapter!**_

**Chapter 4**

Oh my god this was possibly the longest day in the history of my life. Or maybe it was because I knew what was coming tonight, I don't know. Luckily I made it through my media conference as professionally as ever, meaning we were hopefully another to stop closer to catching this bastard. Jesus my head was banging though, I was running on barely any sleep, no food and a lot of stress. I was standing in an empty room, one hand placed on my hip (the good one) and the other pinching the bridge of my nose, a weird habit I'd used for dealing with stress for as long as I could remember.

"Here, JJ, I come bearing coffee and muffins," Emily came into the room grinning with armfuls of food and drink.

"My god Em you are a life saver." I thanked her and took some of the paper bags from her arms.

We were sitting there eating and drinking in a comfortable silence for several minutes before Derek came bursting in.

"Sorry to break up this tea party ladies," he joked "but we think we're found the unsub's and we're leaving now to bring them in."

And with that the whole team, including me, was rushing out to the SUVs to bring in the bad guys and hopefully head back home.

We pulled up outside a small dreary wooden shack with boarded up windows and just a single door at the front, with no other entrance. It looked awfully run down, and didn't look like it could be home to a couple of serial killers.

"We sure we got the right place?" I questioned uncertainly.

"This is where Garcia tracked both of their cells and their IP address to so I assume so, I mean she's rarely wrong."

This was true, Garcia was the best of the best, nothing got by her so if you were trying to hide something, it better not be on your cell or the web because otherwise she would find it. We all got out of the cars and made out way towards the entrance. Morgan kicked it down and we all followed him in, guns raised and at the ready.

I heard everybody calling their 'clears' for each room they had covered. I opened my mouth to shout mine back but all that left it was a yell as I felt the floorboards give way beneath my feet and fell onto a cold hard ground. I won't lie, the fall was painful but it would have hurt a hell of a lot less if it hadn't of pulled nastily at the healing cuts, probably causing at least the deeper wounds to reopen.

"Ugh son of a –"

"Jayje!? Jayje you ok?" I heard Emily yelling down to me, with as much concern as she had shown me this morning.

"Yup. Yup I'm fine Em, just a possible sprained wrist, ankle and maybe cracked rib or two," I winced out hoping I sounded as convincing as I had hoped.

Emily jumped down after me to check I was ok, but just as she reached me I saw a figure running towards her.

"FBI STOP!" I yelled, trying to sound more threatening than I felt, seeing as though I was still in a crumpled pile on the floor.

As they got closer I could clearly see it was one of the unsubs and he was holding a gun. I'd never shot anyone before but without even thinking about it I took aim and pulled the trigger. Seconds after my gunshot rang out, he fell to the ground with a thud. Oh my god, I'd shot him right through the head, first person I'd ever attempted to shoot and it a pretty damn awesome headshot if I may say so myself!

"JJ, omg you saved my life!" Emily exclaimed as she rushed over to me and took me in a bone crushing hug. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was crushing my possibly fractured rib, besides I didn't want her to let go anyway. After too few seconds she let go and began to check me over.

"I'm fine Em really, just get me out of this damn place."

By this time the Spence and Hotch had made their way down and were currently checking around the rest of this basement area for the other unsub. After not very long I could hear Morgan yelling the 'you have the right to remain silent' speech and I realised they had obviously found the other unsub. Hotch had found the stairs leading back up to the first floor so Emily pulled me up, pulled my arm around her shoulders holding my hand and put her other arm around my waist to support me and we all followed Morgan and the second killer back upstairs. There was already an ambulance waiting outside, which I was forced to go into to be checked over, even after much protesting.

"Come with me Em?" I asked her quietly.

"Always JJ."

Luckily for me I had worn my high waisted trousers to work today, so the fresh cuts were covered, and the paramedic chose to ignore the other scars covering my stomach.

"We'll just tape up those fractured ribs and bandage up your sprained wrist and ankle and you'll be good as new in a few weeks."

I waited as he quickly worked on patching me up and then I thanked him and we left and got into the remaining car.

I'd made everybody else go back to the police station with the unsub to sort out the last bits of paperwork and to get him locked up. We were halfway back when my phone rang.

"Agent Jareau." I answered, praying it wouldn't be another case already. We'd barely finished this one and if I didn't get some proper rest tonight there was a high chance I was just going to pass out and never get up again.

"Hey blondie," it was Derek, "don't bother coming back to the station, we're all done here, we're heading back to the hotel and we've got any stuff you and Em left here."

"Thanks Morgan, ok we'll see you back there in a few."

"What did he want," Emily questioned as she carried on driving toward the station.

"Well we may as well turn around as soon as possible because we're not needed at the station, they're all leaving now, everything's been finished and we're done here."

"Alright I'll head back," she smiled, and we turned around and made it back to the hotel within 20 minutes. "Don't think I've forgotten your promise from this morning though Jayje," she warned.

"Like I could," I said, grimacing at the thought of where this conversation was going to lead.

_**Ok so I'm not sure how I felt trying to write the actual case into the story which is why it isn't very prominent but I wanted to include it anyway so yeah let me know what you thought. I'm going to get more into the Jemily storyline and JJ's background which I am excited to write although there will be a ~trigger warning~ just so you're aware. Again all reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks guys **_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Again, thanks so much for the great reviews, they're really helping me to continue with this story! Hope you enjoy this one!**_

**Chapter 5**

We arrived at back at the hotel about 5 minutes later than the rest of the team and found them all celebrating the latest victory in the bar area.

"So what's the plan for tonight Hotch?" I asked hoping not to sound too pushy because I knew everybody was having a good time.

"Ugh well it's ony 4.30, we can be on the jet within the hour so home before 8pm. Everyone ok with that?"

Everyone mumbled their agreement and continued drinking.

"You want one JJ?" I heard Emily offer, although I wasn't really paying attention.

"Umm no I'm ok thanks, my head is pounding so I'm just going to go throw my stuff in my bag and lay down before we leave," I smiled at her and headed off towards our room. I'd only been laying on the bed about 10 minutes when I heard the door handle turning. I had changed into jeans and my comfiest sweatshirt and all I wanted to do with lie here and feel sorry for myself, but Emily cared about me way too much to let that happen.

"Right Jayje, we only have 20 minutes until we need to leave so I'm not gonna make you start spilling your life story to me right at this second. But once we get back to Quantico, we are both sleeping at either yours or mine, we're ordering chinese food, cracking open a bottle of wine and you're going to talk to me. I've been worried sick about you for a while now and I haven't stopped thinking about you all day. There's a lot going on in your head, I can tell and you're not dealing with it judging from what I found out this morning. You need to open up and let somebody in and I'm hoping that can be me because you're my best friend but," she came and sat down next to where I was laying and took my hand, "but you're more than that and after this morning I seriously hope you know that. You've meant more to me than anybody on this team, heck anybody else in my life, for some time now and I'm going to be here for you every step of the way, for as long as you need me."

And with that she tucked my messy hair behind my ear, kissed my forehead and moved to the other side of the room to chuck her belongings into a bag. About 10 minutes later there was a knock on our door. I got up and opened it to find Hotch standing there.

"Ready ladies, we need to be at the Jet in 15?" he questioned. He was always so serious and yet he cared so much about this team and I knew he would put his life on the line for every one of us.

"Yeah we're all done here, we'll come down now with you."

"Right. Good. Ok Prentiss can you pass me JJ's bag please?"

"Hotch I –" I began to protest but to no avail.

"JJ you have a fractured rib on your left side and your right wrist is sprained, I'm perfectly capable of carrying your go bag downstairs and to the car for you ok?" to anyone who didn't know him he sounded too stern but I'd known the man for years and I saw the smile tugging at his lips. He didn't smile often, not anymore, since Haley died.

"Thank you, sir." I smiled at him, thankful to have such a caring team leader.

20 minutes later the jet was ready to leave and it was taking everything in my to keep my eyes open. My eyelids felt heavier than they'd ever been and I was curled up on one of the seats next to Emily under what could only be described as the worlds comfiest blanket.

"Jayje why don't you just close your eyes, we still have just over an hour until we get home?"

"Mmm" I mumbled, already half asleep. I felt my head slide down the seat and rest on Emily's shoulder but I didn't even have the strength to move it, I was so burnt out. I felt her rearranging the blanket so I was completely covered and then I felt her soft hand slip underneath the blanket and hold mine. I didn't know what was happening, all I knew was that I never wanted her to let go. I felt happy and safe with Emily, I'd never felt this way with anyone else. And with that, I fell into a deep sleep.

It wasn't long before my reoccurring nightmare started. Every time I managed to fall into a semi-decent sleep it happened…

"_JENNIFER! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" his voice boomed up the stairs and into my ears, sending shudders of fear through my body as if he was standing right beside me. I ran down stairs as fast as my shaking legs could carry me, I knew I would only regret it if I didn't do what he wanted. Tears stung at my eyes as I passed the two holes that he had punched into the walls in a previous drunken rage. I could smell him before I could see him, the foul smell of stale alcohol pungent in the once cosy lounge. He was standing there, waiting for me._

"_Yeah Dad, you wanted me?" I trembled nervously, trying not to let me fear show. I knew that's what he wanted so I would do everything in my power not to show it. He sneered down at me, a good 7 inches taller than me and built like a house in comparison to my petite frame._

"_Look at the state of the kitchen, your lazy piece of shit mother hasn't cleaned it up and you've just been sitting up there fucking around in your bedroom expecting me to sort it out as usual? Well I'll tell you something young lady, it's not fucking happening! You expect me to work my ass off all day and then have to come home and tidy the house up and cook your fucking dinner for you as if you're a child! You are 16 years old and I am not doing it any longer!"_

_I wasn't expecting him to do any of that, I had gotten in after him but he hadn't even noticed because he was already so drunk._

"_Dad I wasn't waiting for you to do it, honestly I was-" I was cut off by a sharp smack across my left cheekbone. My god it was throbbing. I clutched my face and willed myself not to let any tears fall._

"_You fucking want anything to eat tonight then I suggest you cook if yourself because I am not doing it for you. Now get the fuck out of here you useless bitch. God to think I loved you when you were younger and look how you turned out! Exactly like your whore of a mother!"_

"_She's no whore and she deserves a damn sight better than you!" I regretted it as soon as I'd said it but I was not letting him speak about my mother, the only person I cared about, in that disgusting manner. Sticking up for her earned another blow from his giant fist, this time to my ribs. God I'd be lucky if he hadn't cracked at least one, if not two. I gasped trying to catch my breath while he pushed me aside and stormed out of the house. I collapsed down on the sofa trying to recover from tonight's beating…_

"Hey hey, Jayje? JJ wake up, you're ok, you're safe!" I opened my eyes to find Emily's concerned dark eyes gazing into my blue orbs. She was tucking hair behind my ear and wiping water from my face and it was only then that I realised I was crying.

"Oh god sorry, how embarrassing," I exclaimed hurriedly, "sorry I was having a nightmare I think, I don't remember what was happening though." I lied though my teeth. God I hated this, lying to her, hiding so much of my life from her when I knew everything about hers. I took a large swig from the bottle of water in front of me and tried to steady my breathing.

"Was I asleep long?" I asked, taking her hand in mine again. I didn't think about it before doing so and I hoped she wouldn't mind. To my relief she squeezed mine tightly and rubbed reassuring circles on my hand. It made me feel safe, even though I knew there was nothing or no one to be scared of right now on the jet. I was terrified of my own mind though, of the memories haunting me constantly, every day of my life. Man I was so messed up and I didn't know what to do to help myself. Heck, I was probably beyond help, what could possibly be done to un do the years and years he had spent fucking up my head. I sighed to myself, closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose with my free hand.

"JJ what's wrong? And before you say nothing, don't bother, you're pinching your nose and that's your tell. You do it every time you're stressed or worried, don't even try to deny it."

Damn she was right, that was a habit I'd had for years and hadn't even bothered trying to break because I felt like it did actually calm me down a bit.

"Ok Em. Ok you're right, you win. I'll tell you what's wrong but not here, not with the team in earshot ok? Let's go back to mine when we land and we can talk there yeah? You never answered me by the way, how long was I sleeping?" I grinned at her in a meek attempt to lighten the mood, hoping she would accept it. She still looked concerned but she seemed to take this as I was vaguely ok and dropped it for now.

"Ok sounds good Jayje. Oh sorry, you were asleep for just over an hour. Won't be long until we land actually. And you look cute when you sleep, have I ever told you that?"

I blushed but I couldn't help but smile. No one had ever bothered to care enough to watch me while I slept, other than my mum anyway and that didn't really count. I looked into her eyes and shook my head.

"No, you've never told me that. But before today I wouldn't have even guessed that you would be the one who would want to watch me and hold me while I was sleeping Em." I replied giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "But I sure am glad that you are that person."

I closed my eyes again and rested my head back on her shoulder, content to stay this way for as long as possible although I knew that wouldn't be long because I could hear the team shuffling in the seats behind us and they couldn't know what was happening between us, or not yet at least, not before we had that one hundred per cent figured out for ourselves.

_**Hope you liked the flashback scene/nightmare. I'll begin explaining exactly what happened to JJ in the next few chapters don't worry! Glad you guys are enjoying the stories and I love and appreciate all of your reviews and follows/favourites. New chapter won't be too far away **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**So sorry for the slow updating guys, had a lot of family stuff happening in the past few days! Getting back on track again now so here's the new chapter! Thank you so much for the reviews and follows/favourites though, seriously i am over the moon! And by the way, ANYONE WATCH 200 YESTERDAY!? OH MY GOD! Yeah but anyway, I own nothing of Criminal Minds (unfortunately). Enjoy!**_

**Chapter 6**

We all split into our separate cars as soon as we landed. Em and I made arrangements for her to grab some clothes from hers and come to mine once she was ready. With that I said my goodbyes and goodnights to the team and got into my car. I plugged my phone into the car speakers and played my "Relaxation" playlist in the hopes that it would calm me down before I had to open up to Emily and let her in on everything I'd been keeping secret since I was about 15 years old. "Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck." I cussed aloud to myself, wishing that she hadn't found anything out and I could just carry on pretending like I was the happiest person alive. I sometimes scared myself at how good I'd gotten at faking life though. If pretend you're ok the amount that I had been, it became believable, even to myself. I actually thought I was ok most of the time, even though most nights consisted of me breaking down alone and either cutting myself or punching the walls. "I am so messed up," I sighed out loud to nobody, ha I almost laughed out loud, wasn't talking to yourself the first sign of madness? Although I think I'd passed madness some time ago. By now I had pulled up outside my apartment and was making my way up the pathway to the front door. Wouldn't be long til Em showed up so I decided to grab a quick shower and pick up the few bits on my floor, just to make sure it looked like I was a relatively tidy person.

I'd not been sitting down 5 minutes when my doorbell rang and I jumped up to answer it. She was standing there in converse, skinny jeans and an oversized jumper and she looked beautiful. How had I never noticed before just how attracted to her I was? All I wanted was to be in her arms, my lips on hers, hands in her hair, as close as we could possibly be. But that wasn't going to happen quite yet and I knew it. First I had to delve into the deepest secrets and darkest part of my life and let her in on all of it. I could try and leave things out, not tell her how bad it actually was and act more fine than I really was. But I couldn't do that, now that she knew something was really wrong I couldn't lie anymore, it was tearing me apart anyway, not having anybody to talk to and keeping all this anger and hurt bottled up inside me. If I didn't let it out soon then I didn't want to know what the consequences might be and that scared me more than I was willing to admit. I realised that I had just been standing there staring at her on the doorstep for way to long.

"You gunna invite me in, or do I have to beg?" she teased, easing the tension I was feeling.

"Sorry I was just…distracted." I smiled at her hoping she wouldn't think I was crazy, not yet anyway.

"Oh really? And why might that be Agent Jareau?" she winked at me, making me go weak at the knees.

"I couldn't possibly tell you Agent Prentiss." I winked back, pleased at how well I was hiding the fact that I wanted our bodies touching.

"Fine," she grinned, "anyway, I bought wine and chick flicks. Hope that's good for you?"

"Sounds perfect." I agreed, immediately regretting saying 'perfect', I mean, how cheesy did I want to sound? Luckily she seemed to think this was a fine answer as she grinned, threw her bag on the floor and asked what I wanted to eat.

"Umm I don't mind, I have chinese, thai and pizza take out menus so the choice is yours." Secretly I was hoping she'd go for the pizza because that was possibly my favourite thing in the world.

"Hmm, chinese?"

Ugh damn I should have just said we were getting pizza.

"I'm kidding dork, pizza all the way."

I laughed, she knew me better than I knew myself. Or at least, the good parts of me, the parts that were actually worth knowing. 20 minutes later we were both settled on the couch drinking wine and waiting for our food to arrive. We were both silent yet somehow it wasn't awkward. Far from it actually, I felt the most comfortable and happiest I had in a while. Maybe because I was with my best friend in the entire world and although I was nervous as hell as to where the conversations tonight would go and what exactly was going on with us, I didn't feel so alone anymore. The pizza finally arrived so we put on our chosen film (it was Bridesmaids) and tucked in. A few hours and a lot of laughter later, the film came to an end and the conversation I had been fine without having was very fastly approaching.

"You want coffee?" I asked Em.

"Umm..." she deliberated it for some time before I broke off her 'umming' and 'ahhinh'.

"Trust me this is going to be a hell of a long night, you're going to need it." I sighed heading to the kitchen feeling instantly moody and tense. I didn't mean to sound so rude and I certainly didn't mean to take anything out on her but I was just so scared of talking about this and I wasn't handling it very well. Luckily she seemed to sense this and followed me into the kitchen, placing a supportive hand on back and began rubbing soothing circles. I turned around and threw myself into her arms, unexpectedly to both her and myself. I felt untouchable in her embrace and as she pulled me tighter towards her i realised that this is where I wanted to be and never wanted to let go. After a long few minutes (although not long enough for me) she pulled back, tucked my hair behind my ears and held my face in her cool soft hands.

"You're going to get through this Jayje. I don't know what exactly this is but you will get through it and I will be there every step of the way. You and me against the world, I'm never going to let you feel alone again. So let's get this coffee going and then we're gunna talk ok? I will stay up all night if you need me, heck I'll stay here forever with you if it'll help ok?"

I nodded and felt a few tears slip down my cheeks which Emily wiped away, kissed my forehead and went to pour the coffee. She handed me a cup, took the other for herself and we walked back into the lounge.

"Oh Em I really don't know where to start…nobody knows any of this and I've been keeping it in for so long I'm not even sure how to do this?" I could feel my anxiety levels rising through the roof, I couldn't stop fidgeting and I was already close to tears. It wasn't just that I still got upset about this after so long (which I did) but I cried when I was angry also and man was I still angry about everything that had happened all those years ago.

"Just breathe JJ, you're ok, I'm not gunna judge a single thing you're going to tell me and you need to talk to somebody because I don't know how much longer you can go on until you fall apart. Just start at the beginning and tell me everything Jayje, I'm here for you and only you." she said, taking my hand and giving it a comforting squeeze.

"ok…" I replied uncertainly and started my hideously long trip down memory lane…

_I was barely 15 when everything started going wrong and it was something that I never saw coming, never suspected; I guess because I was just a kid but I still felt stupid for never realising. Mom and dad and been arguing a lot lately, and my mother seemed like she was getting pissed off at him for the smallest things; I just couldn't understand why. I mean, sure he was being kind of annoying at the times she was most irritated but I thought that he was just excited about one thing or another and she just seemed to be getting annoyed for no reason. This happened quite a few times and I never thought anything more of it; until one day he raised his voice to her and it seemed very threatening. The first time he had ever actually scared me and I'll never forget it. He accused her of being a bad mother and turning me and my younger sister Rosaline against him. I couldn't understand any of this because she was far from a bad mother, in fact, she was the best mother I could have ever asked for; and as for her turning me and Ros against him, well she'd never said a bad word about him and neither of us were against him in the slightest. It was weird and I couldn't seem to make any sense of it. After that they seemed to get back on track and things seemed fine for such a long time that I could almost forget about what had happened. Almost. Anyway skip forward a year or so and things were getting bad again and that's when I found the first vodka bottle, hidden in the basement. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't really want to face whatever was going on to be honest. A few days later though I came home from school, expecting an empty house as usual but my Father's car was there. I walked into the house and immediately could smell alchol, it was strong and made me feel queasy within seconds. I could hear clinking downstairs and wandered down the basement stairs to find my dad and some woman, sat on the spare couch we had down there, two glasses and a bottle of vodka placed on the side. _

"_Dad!?" I yelled, confused and angry; thinking about it I should have gone upstairs and pretended I hadn't seen anything until Mom came home. I was in such a state of shock though that I just didn't know what to do. He glared up at me with such hatred; I'd never seen anybody look so angry, especially not a father at his daughter. He flew off the couch and lunged at me, his fist connecting with my stomach and then ribs. I heard the woman laughing as I cried out in pain. He stopped after two hits, screamed at me to go to my room and stay there until told otherwise so that's exactly what I did. Half an hour later I heard them walking up from the basement and heard the front door open and then close a minute or two later. I looked out of my window to see the girl getting into a taxi and I could hear my dad making his was up the stairs. He came into my room with a face like thunder, striding towards me at some considerable speed. Within seconds he was right in front of me, his huge hand gripping my face so tightly; there were bound to be marks there by the time he finally let go of me._

"_Listen to me you little bitch," he hissed in my face with his stale breath, "you speak a fucking word of this to your whore of a mother and I will give you a hell of a lot worse than what I did today, understand me?" _

_I tried to nod my agreement, to scared to say anything else, but his grip on my face stopped this from happening so I managed to mumble out my agreement. _

"_Oh and not a word to your little sister either, she deserves so much better than you and your Mother and one day I will give her that!" _

_And with that he stormed out of my bedroom and continued all the way down the stairs and out of the front door. I heard his car start not long later and that was when I finally let the tears fall…_

"Oh Jayje," Emily practically whispered to me, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea that any of this happened to you. I hate that bastard for what he's done!" She exclaimed angrily, her face contorted with pain and rage.

I smiled sadly at her. I was barely even scratching the surface of my past and she had no idea. I told her this was going to be a long night.

_**Ok so the explanation of JJ's past is a lot longer than I originally intended, but I can't shorten it without missing a lot of the idea's I've had, and it's not going to be as sad and impact JJ's life as much if I don't include everything so I'll just spread it across a few chapters if need be. I hope you're still enjoying the story, thank you so much for the favourites/follows and all the fantastic reviews…they mean so much, thank you **_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Ughh ok sorry for such a slow update guys, I've just had an awful lot going on lately :/ but yeah I'm getting back on track with the story now! So yeah tell me what you think guys, I'm not too sure on this chapter but I really don't know where else to go with it so hey if you can think of things that would need changing please let me know! Haha oh and I keep forgetting to put this but I DO NOT OWN THE SHOW NOR THE CHARACTERS, EVERYTHING BELONGS TO CBS EXCEPT FOR THE STORY, THAT'S FROM MY HEAD! ;) Enjoy…**_

_**Chapter 7**_

"I'm glad you actually care to want to listen to this story Em," I said giving her hand a grateful squeeze, "but we're nowhere near the end of this story or the reason behind why I'm so fucked up."

"Ok JJ, carry on because I need to know everything. But listen to me before you continue."

I nodded my head agreeing to listen to what she had to say.

"You are not fucked up. Yes, you've had a lot of fucked up shit happen to you; more than most people ever have to go through, and that's clearly had a negative effect on you just as it would any other person. But it's not you, this is not your fault and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're perfect."

A few tears escaped my eyes and I brushed them away quickly, looking down at my hands in the hope she wouldn't notice. I didn't do a very job of it though because she shuffled herself around a bit and pulled me closer to her, so I was laying curled into her side with my head resting on her shoulder. I placed my hand in hers and continued down memory lane…

_This went on between my father and I for weeks and I never once spoke up, far to scared for whatever the consequences might be. Me and my mother were extremely close so of course she could tell there was something bothering me but I couldn't dare tell her anything, I didn't want to make things worse for her either. So I just carried on pretending like everything was fine; a huge struggle due to the fact that even the slightest movement caused me to stifle winces and groans from the pain of cracked ribs and a badly bruised stomach. _

_That's when I decided to hurt myself for the first time; I know that sounds ridiculous because I was already in so much pain but I was lost and I didn't have any other outlet for what I was feeling. I took one of my father's new razor blades and went to the bathroom, standing there in just my underwear. I couldn't avoid looking in the mirror…it was horrible, my stomach was painted with yellows, browns, purples and blues; bruises at all different stages of healing. My ribs were red and swollen, clearly there were a few cracked and broken. I breathed as deeply as my body would allow, pressed the blade into my hip, and slowly dragged it across my skin. It stung and yet I enjoyed it, immediately repeating the action over and over until my hip was covered and blood was slowly trickling down the side of my leg and onto the floor. I held a towel to the cuts, quickly cleaned up the bathroom and placed the blade securely into a small leather case; the same one I still used to this day. As my father's abuse continued, so did my damaging habit. Every attack led to a more and more self-inflicted injuries. But at least I had kept my promise of not telling the abuse continued to be taken out on only me. Or so I thought._

_I'll never ever forget the night it happened; it was a Wednesday, a normal day where nothing out of the ordinary had happened. There was a knock on my bedroom door and my little sister Ros walked in. I asked her what was up, she said nothing, just wanted to talk to me. We chatted about rubbish for almost an hour, listening to some music for a while and then she told me she was going to bed because she had to be up early to shower before school. She handed me her necklace. It was her favourite; just a little chain with a heart on it but I had always been a little jealous of it, always wanted one just like it._

"_Ros I know this is your favourite necklace, I love it but there's no way I can take it from you!" I protested, secretly pleased because I wanted it badly._

"_I know but I have another one that I want to started wearing but I don't want this left in a drawer, so wear it for me. At least while I'm not?" she smiled at me, so I agreed and she gestured for me to put it on._

"_Do it up for me?" I asked her, so she came up behind me and fastened it. We hugged which was strange because she wasn't a hugger. She squeezed me tightly, a little too tightly, but I brushed it off, didn't really know what to think of it._

"_Night Jen," she smiled at me and walked out, closing the door behind her. I called night back, not sure if she'd heard or not. It was weird but I didn't know what to think; I would bring it up with her tomorrow after school._

_I woke up at 3.37 that evening; I remember the exact time. I had an awful headache so I headed to the bathroom in search of asprin or something. As I got nearer to the bathroom I could see a faint light coming under the door, we never left that on. I knocked lightly on the door._

"_Umm, is someone in there?" I whispered, trying not to wake the rest of my family. Silence. Maybe someone had just forgotten to turn it off. I tried the handle but it was locked. I knocked again, wondering what the hell was going on._

"_Whoevers in there can you hurry up, my head is banging and I'm tired," I whispered a little louder and more pushy. Still silence. I wondered what the hell was going on. I knew you could unlock the door from the outside by using a coin, I ran back to my room and quickly emptied my purse, grabbing whatever coin my hands found first. As I reached the bathroom again I knocked a final time, not expecting an answer anyway, and unlocked the door, barging forcefully in._

_She was in the bathtub, her wrists were slit; but weren't bleeding anymore. There was blood absolutely everywhere, the floor, down the sides of the bath and filling the water. She was covered in it. I ran to her, shaking her, yelling at her, screaming for my Mom to come. I didn't even think to check for a pulse, I was panicking and I had no idea what to do. My mum appeared behind me and couldn't stop the scream that left her lips._

"_Mom, mom what do we do? Help her oh my god Ros please please wake up!." I was yelling and sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't make sense of what had happened; couldn't process anything. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pumping at a million beats per minute, my face soaked with tears. I was cradling Ros to my body, no idea how much time was passing, it was as if it had stayed still. This couldn't be happening, I needed my little sister, she couldn't leave us. There were only two people I truly loved in this world and she was one of them. Time had stood still but at some point during my cradling her and sobbing, paramedics entered and tried to gently pull me away from her._

"_No please I can't leave her on her own," I yelled out between sobs, "Mom please, Mom!" I was hyperventilating by now and I thought I was going to pass out soon; the paramedics obviously thought the same because I felt somebody jab a needle into my arm and seconds later I felt myself blacking out, mid sob. _

_When I woke I was in a hospital bed, Mom was sitting beside me with red puffy eyes, holding my hand. I couldn't even cry anymore, I was out of tears by now. I just felt numb, like I would never feel again. I had lost a part of myself and I knew I would never get it back again. How was I supposed to continue with my own life when I knew Rosaline had come to the end of hers? She had so much going for her, she was always top of her class, on as many sports teams as she could possibly fit into the week. And that had been ripped away from her. What the hell had happened to make her do this and why didn't I know about it? What kinds of sister was I to know nothing and not know that she was feeling like this. My head was spinning with more thoughts than I could possibly contend with; it felt like it was going to explode at any minute._

"_Lets go home Jenny." Mom spoke softly, like she was afraid I was a fragile piece of china, about to shatter with the slightest touch. Maybe she was right, I might breakdown at any minute; I couldn't tell though because I felt nothing right now. It scared me but I was glad at the same time because feeling right now would end me, I couldn't handle anything right now. I didn't respond to her, just sat up, found my favourite hoody on the bed next to me, mom must have grabbed it for me because I was out, and pulled it on over my pyjamas. I found my converse sneakers on the floor and pulled them on and we left without speaking another word._

_I didn't know what had driven Rosaline to this decision, all I knew was that is had caused my heart to be ripped out of my chest, smashed into a million pieces and thrown away. Because that's how I felt, like my heart was no longer in my chest, like I was empty and would never be whole again. I vowed that I would find out what the cause of this was, if it took the rest of my life I would find out._

_I devoted every conscious thought of mine to Ros and what had caused her to do what she did. My father had nothing to say on the topic, didn't seem the least bit bothered than she had ended her own life. I knew he was awful but he never looked like he had any drama going on with her, not like he did with me anyway. That's what I thought anyway. It had been a few weeks since Ros died and my father hadn't hurt me since then. Not that I hadn't been hurting myself because that had just gotten worse and worse, it was the only way I could keep going without breaking._

_One evening I was lying in bed, it was extremely late but I couldn't sleep, which wasn't anything unusual because I've barely had any sleep since Ros. I was laying there alone with my thoughts when I heard footsteps in the hallway. I thought nothing of it, just figured my mom or father had gone downstairs for some reason. That is, until I heard my door handle being slowly pushed down, creaking louder than usual while whoever was doing it obviously thought they were being quieter than they were. It took a minute for my eyes to focus on who was standing in the doorway but I quickly realised it was my father. My breath caught in my chest and my heart was in my mouth. He never came into my room, never mind creeping in at god knows what time of the night. I squeezed my eyes shut, wondering what he was doing and hoping her would leave as suddenly as he had appeared. No such luck. Call it intuition, but I knew something horrible was going to happen and as he got closer to me I was paralysed with fear. He must have thought I was actually asleep because he didn't say a word to me as he climbed on top of me. I bit my cheek to keep from whimpering in pain as his weight pressed down on my injured body, both from bruises from him and cuts from me. That was it, enough was enough, I knew what was about to happen and he had already taken enough from me. He must have been doing this to Ros, it finally made sense, it's the only reason that she would want to end her life when she had so much going for her. It must be the reason he'd suddenly come into my room to do the same to me, because he had nobody else to abuse anymore. It made so much sense. While I thought I was keeping her safe by not saying anything and letting him use me for his personal punching bag, she was actually going through so much worse than I was, he was sexually assaulting her. Suddenly without warning I opened my mouth and screamed, louder than I ever had before. I screamed and cried and lashed out at him, I just had to keep going long enough for my mom to wake and and come find out what was happening. And not even a minute later she was there, pulling him off me, punching and hitting and yelling at him. He ran from my bedroom and I heard him getting some of his stuff together and not 5 minutes later I heard the car start and he was gone. That was the last time my mother or I ever saw him."_

I didn't realise how hard I was sobbing until I felt Emily pulling me closer towards her. I laid down, curling in to a ball with my head on her lap and sobbed, for me and for Ros, until there were no tears left and breathing was becoming hard. Emily let me cry myself out, saying soothing words to me and stroking my hair and wiping my tears away.

"I can't begin to imagine what it was like to go through all of that Jayje, and I'm so so sorry that you had to go through it alone, but I promise that from this moment on, I will never let anyone hurt you, ever. You will never be alone again, I will be here, always."

"Promise, always?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

"Always."

_**So yeah please tell me what you think as I'm not 100% happy with this, feedback will be greatly appreciated, as always! Thanks guys I'll stay on top of the updates from now on! **_


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